Global Express
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Identity: The Change Alternative


I am my own worst torturer

Have suffered but am the perpetrator of my ills

Need to break free

A life is passing

The facets of my mind are like clashing personalities

The heart is longing, yearning, reaching

The head a cruel totalitarian

My brain is like a wound-up spring

I have analysed not lived

Help me surrender

Let me live on air and water

Let me dance and never stop

Let me be

So that others can be too

I wrote this poem in 1994. The eating disorder I'd had since my mid-teens was really getting me down and life was pretty much unbearable.

A good friend whom I'd been confiding in suggested I look back over my life for any events which might have contributed to the problem. The unravelled a lot. I began to understand myself better and realised that whatever had happened in the past, the future was in my hands. The change I wanted was up to me. So, instead of 'telling' my body what is should be like, I started 'listening' so that it could tell me how best to live. After many ups and downs, a new rhythm emerged. Regular meals replaced bingeing and fasting, and exercise was no longer an obsession.

Later on, I discovered a book - Bulimia Nervosa, a guide to recovery - by Peter J. Cooper. His explanation of the various eating disorders was a revelation. For years, I'd been convinced I didn't have a problem because I wasn't vomiting like 'real' bulimics. Cooper confirmed the reality of my condition, and gave further pointers to a solution.

Life is much more enjoyable now. A major factor has been the happy decision to accept myself as I am. This was made possible by the inner healing of past hurts, self-inflicted and otherwise.

Laura Trevelyan, UK

Last update: 2000-02-12 20:20:57 (EEST).
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