FROM BLAME TO RESPONSIBILITY
Every day
we interpret what occurs around us. The way we interpret situations
affects how we behave.
For the past four years communication between
my brother, Jon, and I had gradually deteriorated. This was of
great sorrow to me. But it was all his fault. Throughout my
university career he never expressed an interest in what I was
doing. I interpreted this as meaning he did not care.
As a result I decided not to make an effort.
The relationship became so strained I could not bear to be in
his company. I resigned myself to the fact that we would never
have a close relationship. I was blind to an alternative and
washed my hands of the situation. It was not my fault so why
should I worry?
When we feel threatened, we get defensive.
The best form of self-defence is to believe oneself and blame
others. Isn't it just great when you know you are right!
To accept responsibility for my actions and admit fault was unthinkable.
I may have been safe in my own little cocoon
of self-righteousness but unlike the butterfly I was not displaying
my full colours. I felt incomplete and dissatisfied with life
in general. Sitting back blaming Jon, I was expecting him to
change or take action.
After realising the cost of this blame, I
decided to make the effort to express my love. I rang him and
had the most amazing conversation ever. After telling him how
I thought he did not care, he revealed that he thought I saw him
as a loser. He felt we had little in common. It was not that
he did not care. My interpretation was completely wrong.
I told him that I loved him. Such simple
words... why so hard to say? I almost had to choke them out!
In response he said, 'I love you too, and I really mean that'.
The sense of joy I felt was incredible. It was as if a lead
weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Until then I had no
idea how much this situation had affected my being. The frightening
thing is, I was prepared to settle for this poor relationship
for the rest of my life.
It is remarkable how this experience has affected
my other relationships. Two years ago I split up with a long-term
girlfriend. I blamed her for manipulating me into who she wanted
me to be. This was a persistent complaint of mine and a source
of great anger. The cost was huge. I could not express my love
for her. With subsequent girlfriends I was unable to commit beyond
a certain point for fear of being manipulated and losing my individuality.
I would end all relationships as soon as this fear came up.
My future was being controlled by the past.
I urge you not to be a victim who complains
the world has done you an injustice. Complaints keep the lid
on possibility. By removing the complaints from my life I have
been able to create alternative ways of being.
These experiences have taught me that to make
a difference I must change myself. By doing so I have witnessed
others change around me.
Tim Vaughan, UK
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