Global Express
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Holistic Environment: THE CHANGE ALTERNATIVE



THE CHANGE ALTERNATIVE

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FROM BLAME TO RESPONSIBILITY

Every day we interpret what occurs around us. The way we interpret situations affects how we behave.

For the past four years communication between my brother, Jon, and I had gradually deteriorated. This was of great sorrow to me. But it was all his fault. Throughout my university career he never expressed an interest in what I was doing. I interpreted this as meaning he did not care.

As a result I decided not to make an effort. The relationship became so strained I could not bear to be in his company. I resigned myself to the fact that we would never have a close relationship. I was blind to an alternative and washed my hands of the situation. It was not my fault so why should I worry?

When we feel threatened, we get defensive. The best form of self-defence is to believe oneself and blame others. Isn't it just great when you know you are right! To accept responsibility for my actions and admit fault was unthinkable.

I may have been safe in my own little cocoon of self-righteousness but unlike the butterfly I was not displaying my full colours. I felt incomplete and dissatisfied with life in general. Sitting back blaming Jon, I was expecting him to change or take action.

After realising the cost of this blame, I decided to make the effort to express my love. I rang him and had the most amazing conversation ever. After telling him how I thought he did not care, he revealed that he thought I saw him as a loser. He felt we had little in common. It was not that he did not care. My interpretation was completely wrong.

I told him that I loved him. Such simple words... why so hard to say? I almost had to choke them out! In response he said, 'I love you too, and I really mean that'. The sense of joy I felt was incredible. It was as if a lead weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Until then I had no idea how much this situation had affected my being. The frightening thing is, I was prepared to settle for this poor relationship for the rest of my life.

It is remarkable how this experience has affected my other relationships. Two years ago I split up with a long-term girlfriend. I blamed her for manipulating me into who she wanted me to be. This was a persistent complaint of mine and a source of great anger. The cost was huge. I could not express my love for her. With subsequent girlfriends I was unable to commit beyond a certain point for fear of being manipulated and losing my individuality. I would end all relationships as soon as this fear came up. My future was being controlled by the past.

I urge you not to be a victim who complains the world has done you an injustice. Complaints keep the lid on possibility. By removing the complaints from my life I have been able to create alternative ways of being.

These experiences have taught me that to make a difference I must change myself. By doing so I have witnessed others change around me.

Tim Vaughan, UK


Last update: 2000-02-12 17:20:20 (EEST).
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